One of the most common and painful things people say to me in coaching is this:
“I don’t understand why I keep getting in my own way.”
They know what they want. They’re capable. They’ve read the books, made the plans, and genuinely want things to change. And yet, just as things start to move forward, they stall. They procrastinate. They avoid. They pull back.
This is what most people call self-sabotage and despite how harsh that word sounds, I want to say this clearly: self-sabotage is not a flaw in your character.
In my work as a confidence coach, I’ve come to understand self-sabotage as something very different. It’s not self-destruction. It’s often self-protection.
What Self-Sabotage Looks Like in Real Life
Self-sabotage is rarely obvious. Most of the time, it hides behind “reasonable” explanations.
In real life, it often looks like:
- Putting off sending an important email until it becomes stressful
- Overthinking decisions until the opportunity passes
- Signing up for something exciting, then losing momentum
- Starting projects enthusiastically and abandoning them halfway
- Convincing yourself it’s “not the right time”
Clients often tell me, “I know exactly what I need to do I just can’t seem to do it.”
That gap between knowing and doing is where self-sabotage lives.
Why We Self-Sabotage (Even When We Want Change)
At a nervous-system level, change equals uncertainty. And uncertainty can feel unsafe even when the change is something you want.
Self-sabotage often appears when:
- You’re becoming more visible
- Expectations are increasing
- You’re stepping into a new identity
- Success would change how others see you
- You’d have more responsibility if things went well
One client desperately wanted a promotion but kept missing the application deadline. On the surface, it looked like avoidance. Underneath, there was fear fear of visibility, pressure, and being judged more closely.
Her self-sabotage wasn’t about not wanting success. It was about not feeling safe with it.
Fear of Failure and Fear of Success
Most people recognise fear of failure. Fear of success is less talked about but just as powerful.
Success can bring:
- More responsibility
- Less anonymity
- Higher expectations
- Changes in relationships
- A shift in identity
If you’ve learned that staying small, helpful, or invisible keeps you safe, success can trigger anxiety. So, your system finds ways to slow things down through doubt, distraction, or avoidance.
This is especially common in people who struggle with confidence or have a history of criticism.
How Low Confidence Fuels Self-Sabotage
Low confidence and self-sabotage are deeply connected. If you don’t trust yourself, moving forward feels risky. You might:
- Overthink every decision
- Wait for certainty that never comes
- Avoid committing in case you “mess it up”
- Hold back so you can’t fail
One client described it as “wanting something badly but not trusting myself with it.”
That internal conflict is exhausting, and it keeps people stuck.
Why “Just Push Through” Doesn’t Work
Many people have tried forcing themselves to stop self-sabotaging. They try discipline, routines, pressure, and self-criticism.
When that doesn’t work, shame takes over.
But in my experience, self-sabotage isn’t solved with willpower. Pressure often makes it worse. What’s usually missing isn’t effort it’s emotional safety.
When you feel safe enough to try, fail, adapt, and recover, self-sabotaging patterns start to soften naturally.
A Real Coaching Example
One client came to coaching convinced procrastination was her biggest issue. She’d tried planners, apps, and strict schedules. What we discovered was that starting tasks triggered fear of judgement and finishing them triggered fear of being evaluated. Once we worked on self-trust and emotional safety, the procrastination eased without forcing productivity.
How Confidence Coaching Helps Break the Cycle
In confidence coaching, we don’t try to eliminate fear. We learn to work with it. We focus on:
- Identifying your specific self-sabotage patterns
- Understanding what they’re protecting you from
- Building tolerance for discomfort gradually
- Creating evidence of self-trust through action
For many people, this is the first time change feels sustainable instead of exhausting.
You’re Not Broken — You’re Being Careful
If you recognise yourself in these patterns, I want you to hear this clearly:
Self-sabotage doesn’t mean you’re weak or incapable. It usually means part of you learned that staying where you are feels safer than moving forward. With the right support, those patterns can change gently, without shame, and without forcing confidence that doesn’t feel real.
