If I had to name one confidence pattern I see more than any other in my coaching work, it would be this: women who appear to be coping well on the outside but feel deeply unsure of themselves on the inside.
These are not women who lack ability. They are intelligent, capable, emotionally aware, and often high achieving. They manage careers, families, relationships, and responsibilities. Other people rely on them. Some are leaders, business owners, or the “strong one” in their family.
And yet, when they sit down with me, they often say things like:
- “I don’t feel confident , I just look like I am.”
- “I’m scared someone will realise I don’t really know what I’m doing.”
- “If I stop trying so hard, everything will fall apart.”
If this resonates, I want you to know this straight away: this is far more common than you think, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.
What High-Functioning Low Confidence Looks Like in Real Life
Low confidence doesn’t always look like insecurity or self-doubt in obvious ways. Very often, it looks like over-functioning.
In real life, I see this show up as:
- Rewriting emails multiple times so they sound “right”
- Over-preparing for meetings you’re already qualified to attend
- Saying yes when you’re exhausted because you don’t want to disappoint anyone
- Downplaying your achievements or brushing off compliments
- Feeling tense even when things are going well
One client once said to me, “I don’t feel anxious exactly, I just never feel settled.”
That constant background unease is often a sign of low self-trust, not lack of competence.
The Fear of Being Found Out
A belief that comes up repeatedly in coaching is the idea that confidence is fragile that it must be constantly maintained through effort.
Many high-functioning women secretly believe:
- “If I relax, I’ll drop the ball.”
- “If I make a mistake, people will see the real me.”
- “Everyone else feels more confident, I just try harder.”
So, they stay switched on all the time. They anticipate problems before they happen. They take emotional responsibility for other people’s reactions. They hold everything together.
The problem is that confidence doesn’t grow in survival mode. It shrinks there.
Why So Many Capable Women Feel Like Frauds
Imposter syndrome is often treated as a mindset problem — something you should just think your way out of. In my experience, it’s usually rooted in much earlier learning.
Many women were conditioned to:
- Be agreeable rather than assertive
- Be capable, but not “too confident”
- Stay helpful, flexible, and accommodating
- Take up space only when invited
Over time, this teaches you to monitor yourself constantly
I see this when women:
- Over-explain their decisions
- Soften their opinions to avoid judgement
- Wait for permission before acting
- Look outside themselves for reassurance
Confidence slowly becomes external dependent on praise, approval, or achievement rather than something internal and steady.
Why Achievement Doesn’t Fix Low Confidence
One of the most painful realisations for many women is that confidence never arrives, even after they reach the milestones they thought would fix it.
The promotion.
The qualification.
The next level of experience.
What usually happens instead is this:
You achieve something → feel relief for a short time → self-doubt returns → the bar moves higher.
I work with women who are objectively successful and still feel like they’re pretending. Confidence built on achievement never settles, because it’s conditional. There is always another standard to meet.
The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is one of the biggest confidence blockers I see.
In everyday life, it often looks like:
- Agreeing when you disagree
- Avoiding conflict at all costs
- Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
- Putting your own needs last, then feeling resentful
People-pleasing usually starts to stay safe or connected. But over time, it erodes self-trust.
I often say to clients: you cannot build confidence while constantly abandoning yourself.
What Real Confidence Actually Feels Like
Confidence is often misunderstood as being bold, loud, or fearless. The most confident women I know are calm, grounded, and self-assured.
Real confidence feels like:
- Trusting your judgement even when you’re unsure
- Making decisions without endless reassurance
- Saying no without spiralling into guilt
- Letting yourself be imperfect without self-punishment
It’s internal. Quiet. And deeply stabilising.
How Confidence Coaching Helps High-Functioning Women
Confidence coaching isn’t about fixing you because you’re not broken.
In my work, we focus on:
- Understanding where self-doubt began
- Rebuilding internal validation
- Learning to set boundaries without guilt
- Practising confidence in everyday situations
- Developing self-trust instead of self-criticism
Many women tell me coaching is the first space where they don’t need to be capable, strong, or “on top of things.” They can be honest without judgement.
Whether you’re based in Edinburgh or working with me online, confidence coaching offers a grounded, compassionate way to rebuild trust in yourself.
You’re Not a Fraud You’re Exhausted
That feeling of being a fraud doesn’t mean you’re inadequate. Very often, it means you’ve been holding yourself to impossible standards for too long.
You don’t need to prove yourself harder.
You don’t need to become someone else.
And you don’t need to wait until you feel “ready.”
Confidence begins when you stop trying to earn your worth and start trusting that it’s already there.
And that is something we can build together.
