One of the most common things I hear in my coaching work is:
“I’ve just never been a confident person.”
People say it as if confidence is something you’re either born with or not like eye colour or height. They look at confident people and assume it comes naturally to them, without effort or doubt. But after years of working as a confidence coach, I can tell you this with certainty: confidence is not a personality trait. It’s a skill.
And that matters, because skills can be learned, practised, and strengthened at any age.
Why So Many Adults Believe Confidence Isn’t for Them
Most people don’t start life lacking confidence. Confidence is slowly shaped by experience.
In my work, I often see confidence worn down by:
- Being criticised or compared growing up
- Being praised only for achievement, not effort
- Work environments where mistakes aren’t tolerated
- Relationships that eroded self-trust
- Life changes that shook identity or stability
Over time, people stop trusting themselves. They hesitate. They overthink. They look outside themselves for reassurance.
Eventually, confidence starts to feel like something other people have not them.
Confidence Isn’t Loud, Outgoing, or Fearless
One of the biggest myths about confidence is that it looks like being outspoken, extroverted, or fearless.
Some of the most confident people I work with are quiet, thoughtful, and sensitive. They still feel nerves. They still have doubts. The difference is that they don’t let those feelings stop them.
Real confidence is the ability to say:
- “I can handle this, even if it’s uncomfortable.”
- “I trust myself to figure things out.”
- “I don’t need certainty to take a step.”
Confidence isn’t the absence of fear it’s self-trust in the presence of fear.
You Don’t Think Your Way into Confidence
Many people try to build confidence by thinking differently positive affirmations, mindset shifts, telling themselves they should feel confident.
While mindset matters, confidence doesn’t grow through thinking alone.
It grows through experience.
Every time you:
- Speak up even though your heart is racing
- Set a boundary that feels uncomfortable
- Try something new without knowing the outcome
You give your nervous system evidence that you are capable. Confidence is built after action, not before it.
I often say in coaching: you don’t wait to feel confident you act, and confidence follows.
What Building Confidence Actually Looks Like in Real Life
Confidence doesn’t come from big, dramatic moments. It’s built through small, everyday choices.
In real life, that might look like:
- Saying what you think in a meeting, once
- Letting an email be “good enough” instead of perfect
- Asking for what you need instead of staying silent
- Saying no without over-explaining
These moments may seem small, but they compound. Each one builds self-trust. Over time, the inner voice that says “I can’t” starts to soften.
Why Confidence Often Drops Later in Life
Many people are surprised to struggle with confidence in adulthood especially if they felt more confident when they were younger.
I see this often around major life transitions, such as:
- Career changes or redundancy
- Parenthood
- Burnout
- Menopause or health changes
- Relationship breakdowns
These moments can shake your sense of identity. You’re no longer operating from familiar ground, and confidence wobbles.
Confidence coaching isn’t about going back to who you used to be. It’s about building confidence for who you are now.
Why Confidence Feels So Fragile
For many people, confidence is built on external validation, praise, approval, achievement.
The problem with this is that it’s unstable. When validation disappears, confidence goes with it.
True confidence is internal. It comes from:
- Trusting your judgement
- Knowing you can cope if things go wrong
- Being willing to be imperfect
That kind of confidence doesn’t disappear under pressure.
How Confidence Coaching Helps
Confidence coaching isn’t about becoming louder, bolder, or more dominant. And it’s not about pretending you feel confident when you don’t.
In my coaching work, we focus on:
- Understanding where self-doubt started
- Identifying patterns that keep confidence low
- Practising confidence in real-life situations
- Rebuilding self-trust gradually and safely
Many clients tell me coaching is the first place they don’t feel judged for their doubts. That safety is essential for confidence to grow.
Whether you’re based in Edinburgh or working with me online, confidence coaching offers a grounded, practical way to stop holding yourself back.
Confidence Is Still Available to You. Confidence isn’t something you missed out on.
It’s not reserved for a certain type of person. And it’s not too late.
Confidence grows when you stop waiting to feel ready and start trusting yourself to learn as you go. You don’t need to become someone else to feel confident. You just need to build a stronger relationship with yourself.
And that is something we can absolutely work on — together.
